Lost and found, literally

First off, certain names of people affiliated with this story have been changed to protect their identity for protection. This is a true story carried out by professionals, and should not be tried at home to be replicated.

So let me tell you about the night that me and my best bud got lost in the middle of New Brunswick at 3 am. It all started with our friend from another school surprising us for the weekend. You see, me and my 2 friends are on the club basketball team here at Rutgers, we don't play because we suck, but when it comes to mixers we're in there like swimwear. This is where the night takes a turn for the worst. After an elaborate pre-game at my friend Cody's apartment that included copious amounts of alcohol consumption, we left for the mixer. At this point, I had no clue that I would eventually end up lost in the middle of the city at 3 am.

Anyway, we get to the party around 10:30 pm and it is only the guys. We were patiently waiting for the girls club lacrosse team to enter the premises. All off a sudden, our social chair got the text.. they have arrived!!! The entire basketball team went bonkers, I mean we seriously were scary with how excited we got. Honestly, you think of cave men discovering fire, you think of that.

This party was awesome, we had a great DJ, everyone was dancing around and enjoying themselves. All my friends were hooking up with lax chicks, I was destroying noobs in pong like it was the US in the last olympics. However, all great things must come to an end. As the party was winding down, my best friend Mike left with some girl to her house. Im thinking wonderful this man is stepping up in life, WRONG. This kid left his phone at the party, don't ask me how you can lose your phone at a party and not realize, but he did.

It's around 2;30 am now and I look like spongebob delivering the crusty crab pizza, searching for my friend. His phone in hand, and wearing nothing but a skimpy cut-off tee with short shorts, high socks, and a head band. If the look wasn't bad enough for people to laugh, the fact it was about 20 degrees out that night was. After about 30 minutes of searching and coming up with nothing, I found a clue like national treasure... His headband on a porch of a house. I swear I felts like Nicholas Cage in that moment.

Eventually he would come out and we would begin our dreadful walk home. However we got lost for an hour, hoped 3 fences, got poison ivy, attempted to hitchhike home (highly do not recommend in the middle of New Brunswick. Long story short, we made it home. The  journey felt like the scene from Day after Tomorrow when they were traveling through the massive storm, it was that cold and we were not clothed properly.

Moral of the story, don't go looking for your friend when they are in need of help. Do not attempt to discover treasure like Nicholas Cage, cause all it leads to is a slight case of hypothermia, poison ivy, and a shit in your pants for how scared you were in the middle of New Brunswick. Oh to cap this story off, the next day Kennth Cop of rutgers emailed us saying there was a shooting of some sort, on the same street we were on at the same time!!!!!! We could have been toast, for real.

Obsessed

My obsession in life has turned into a bit of a lifestyle. The funny thing is, I did not give a hoot about, or even know anything in the slightest about this thing until I was introduced. And from there, forget about it. I am so obsessed that I changed my lifestyle to fit perfectly so I can eventually hold a position of public office. 

You see the funny thing is, I cannot remember exactly when I became obsessed with politics. However, there is one thing that had definitely got me rolling in the right direction. Binge watching House of Cards on netflix late at night rolled in my blankets like a little burrito. Man did i love that show, as it displayed the immense power one can achieve through public office. Watching a corrupt politician scheme his way through lies and deception all the way to the Oval was so enticing to me, it for the first time opened my eyes widely to politics. 

Politics is the first thing I think of when I wake up, and that might sound extremely geeky, but hey we all are obsessed with something. I am attracted to the pure skill of politics, getting people to do what you want when you want. It's a game, and you have to be a master at it to truly feel the adverse effects. I almost feel as though it is my divine reason for being on this earth. I want and will someday run for public office, and hopefully master the game and became an effective politician working hard for the american people. Scratch that all politicians do is just lie, I want to be an effective public servant working hard for the american people. That sounds much better. 

 

Many people are completely clueless when it comes to politics. This is why I also stay unbiased to the point where I do not make up my mind on an issue until I have heard all possible arguments for either way. However holding myself to this has caused me to become obsessed. Rolling over at 2 am to my phone buzzing, notifying me that President Trump has tweeted. Waking up with a few dozen news articles I will read to start my day. Often I find myself watching videos, netflix shows, reading actual bills proposed by congress, anything I can get my hands on that has anything to do with politics or government. I also find myself in full burrito form often, still, re-watching house of cards late at night. 

 

This obsession, however has caused debates in my house with my mother and step-father. We would argue about countless things, agree on some, and really spar on others. This satisfied my needs for informing others and hearing feedback so I can learn even more on issues. I feel as though my obsession for politics truly reflects my motives in life. I want to be remembered, I want to get my name in history books. My crave for power and capability to run our country is too big for me not to geek out about. Politics is my obsession and I WOULD NEVER GIVE THAT UP!!!

How To: Win the Presidency

(I do not support nor dislike President Trump, and have the utmost respect for his victory and the movement he spearheaded in American politics, this is merely a satire of the events that occurred to land him in the Oval)

The first step to winning the presidency is getting your name out there. The American public is much like high schoolers voting on prom king and queen, if they don't know enough about you, you ain't got their vote. Luckily in this case, we received a "small loan" of one-million dollars from our father and have built a billion dollar real estate empire. Golden arch's of McDonalds does not compare to hoisting the golden letters TRUMP all over various hotels throughout the world.

Timing your announcement for your candidacy is crucial, as is the way you do it. You want the media to catch you ascending down from the heavens (really just an elevator ride down) on your way to begin the war to win the west wing. Spewing controversial comments about certain group of people will help spark the media to give you more attention that LeBron James gets on ESPN. Hey, all press is good press right?

With everyone knowing your name, now you will announce your various positrons on certain issues. Make sure to rally behind building that wall, penalizing doctors and women who seek out and perform abortions, and do not stop until every Walmart across America will sell guns to anyone who wants one.

Hold on, HOLD ON.. it seems like we are forgetting something here... oh yeah a rallying cry! Something the people can get behind.. something to replace "remember the alamo" I got it!! 'Make America Great Again!" Be sure not to specify when America was great however, this might make certain people feel uncomfortable.

Of course, we still need to actually win the GOP primary to become the official candidate for the Republican party for president. Assuming you win this and get all the way to becoming the candidate versus the democratic candidate , the fight now truly begins.

It is now the time to send out a message that resonates with the majority of people regardless of strict party line voters. Issues such as job security and putting America first and stopping at nothing to bring back American jobs as well as protect our borders. Repealing Obamacare and deporting criminal aliens is a must to make America Safe Again.

The American public is so over this whole PC (political correctness) movement. Exploit this in anyway you can by talking just like every regular citizen does. This  is a fight on the corrupt and unfair media that we call FAKE NEWS. This movement is unlike any you have ever seen before, believe me, I love it more than anyone else. Pressing your fingers against the keyboard of your phone at 3 am while on the toilet is a very effective mode of communication do not forget this. Twitter will allow you to communicate to millions of people for free, weather or not you are being 100% accurate does not matter cause once they see it they believe it.

Hiring the grim reaper (Steve Bannon) to be chief strategist for your campaign is perfect. Allowing the leader of the so-called Alt-Right into mainstream politics presents no threats whatsoever. His message for America is built off the anger and fear that lives inside Americans from all over the country. They do not want a politician this time around, they want a self indulgent, arrogant, cocky, billionaire, oompa loompa to lead them to Make America Great Again.

If you talk about all of this and implement it, the path to 270 electoral votes is inevitable. Just look at your opponent, she is as crooked as crooked can be. The popular vote does not matter, just go for the 270 electoral votes that each state is apportioned to. Now that you have read this, watch yourself propel in american politics and land yourself in the Oval Office. BUILD THAT WALL!!!!!!!